I realized that I have become a pessimist, and not a simple “the glass is half empty” pessimist, more of a “I bet someone put poison in that glass and is going to charge me to drink out of it, and then it’s going to break into a thousand pieces, each one cutting me before I begin foaming at the mouth and die in writhing agony” kind of a pessimist.
I wasn’t always this way. I use to smile and laugh all the time. I looked forward to what the day would bring, and be grateful for all that I had, and look on the bright side of things.
Now I groan thinking of what I have to do next, all that’s on my to-do list, and think of all the ways things could go wrong in any given second. Paranoid much? They must have drugs for this.
Oh, I have books and can tell you at least a dozen different things I could do, or should do, or would do if only I had time/money/focus/a car/ or blue glitter.
There are herbs and vitamin I can take to help my stress, and frequently I do. When I exercise I feel better as long as I avoid the mirrors and scales. Writing, of course helps. But what really needs to change is me.
I’m waiting for my world to change, for my money situation to improve, for the kids in my house to be different, to have a car, to find balance, to buy blue glitter. Yet none of these things matter. I have to change. I have to decide to find joy and gratitude in caring for four ADD boys- more then being grateful I have a job- which I am very very grateful for.
I need to find time to breathe and smile and laugh at simple things.
I need to stop passing by the emails from Oprah’s Life class. I need to finish reading the book on Spiritual Lesson for Weight loss. I need to find joy in my day-to-day life again. I need to count my blessings and stop listing my failures. I need to be grateful for the penny in my wallet and not list all the things I need to pay for. I need to stop being jealous of those people in my life with time or money or a car or who have found their passion and start celebrating with them the blessings they have so I can start recognizing my own blessings.
I need to stop being such a crabby bitch, and lighten up.
Alica McKenna Johnson 
((hug)) it is true, the outside can change but it means nothing if the inside is the same. reminds me of our move to maine. i was sooo sure if we moved shit would be better, but we were the same people, what needed to change wasn’t the state we lived in, but our state of mind.
i feel i am finally getting there, finding my happy spot and being able to not just fake it but truly mean it. and you know experiencing other joy has helped me.
Thanks Heather it’s true too often I search for happiness outside myself. I’ll be happy when and I need to learn to be happy now.
I’m finding negativity creeping in myself, especially when I’m tired. A friend of mine sends me Joel Osteen’s daily word via email each morning. It helps to at least start with a positive thought. Sometimes it’s just remembering to have an atittude of gratititude.
I’ve been writing five things I’m grateful for- most days- maybe I need to do it earlier in the day instead of at the end?
Thanks Bill
Blue glitter would make life better, wouldn’t it? I’m a natural pessimist. When something really great happens, pretty soon I have a sense of doom because something bad must be riding on its coattails. Silly, I think. However, learning to be grateful for what you have and where you are is a great way to combat that pessimism. There is always someone else having it easier and someone having it harder than you do. Here’s hoping you can fill that glass to the top and enjoy! I think you’re amazing for doing all that you do.
Than you Julie! Glitter is a good thing, but I do need to to be grateful for what I have, and while planning for the future is good maybe we both could tone down the negativity. 🙂
From you, Alica: “I need to count my blessings and stop listing my failures.”
And from Julie: “However, learning to be grateful for what you have and where you are is a great way to combat that pessimism. There is always someone else having it easier and someone having it harder than you do.”
Those are two wonderful ways to live your days.
Patti
True Patti- it’s all about perspective and what we choose to focus on.
Oh dear.
I’m afraid you’ve been channeling me again.
I could have written this post – most of it. I feel like this when I’ve been on the treadmill of juggling too many things for too long. Like you, I know the prescription for change starts with me but I can’t always get myself motivated. Thanks for the outside-looking-in-from-the-inside perspective. It helps.
Now is a good time.
I tend to do that! LOL! It is a good time, a new year, lots of choices, great support, and amazing new friends.
Thanks Lesann
Can’t wait to hear those “need to”s change to “plan to”s or “will.” 🙂 Most of us feel the way you do at times, Alica. Courageous of you to share with such honesty. *hugs*
It’s so true August- I get angry and panicy if I’m saying I need to or should, OMG it’s crazy I’m an adult why do the words matter so much. If I can keep it to plan to , will, or want to it would change so much!
Thanks!
Alicia, I relate. What helps for me is to think of five things I am thankful for. At first this can seem daunting when blue and discouraged, but the five things don’t have to be earth shattering. I’m thankful the table I set my laptop on isn’t lopsided.
Taking joy in simple things shifts your focus. That’s all discouragement is: focus on the negative aspects until the good becomes blurred.
I have been writing in a gratitude journal, but not until the end of the day- I thin I need to do it earlier to help me stay focused.
Thanks Sherry!
I know it’s a cliche, but when I start the internal negativity or whining, I tell myself to knock it off, it could always be worse. Hang in there, and focus on each moment. Some moments are crazy, sad, or horribe, but others are okay, happy, or wonderful. I live moment to moment being mom to an autistic teen son.
Love your posts, Alica. You NEVER come off sounding like a beeyotch. Just saying.
Thanks Jolyse! Inmy job I have ben forced into moment to moment living- it’s no gotten tot he point that unless I’m not working I don;t even have a plan for 2 hours ahead of time- you never know what’s going to happen!