Tag Archives: goals

Juggling Explosives

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Photo by mbtphoto. Doesn't he make juggling look easy?

Photo by mbtphoto. Doesn’t he make juggling look easy?

Last night I had a minor melt down. I managed to hold off until the kids were in bed then the ugly thoughts and tears began. Now my overly emotional state might have been caused by the email saying I hadn’t placed in a writing competition I’d entered, the fact that I had gone almost a week without thyroid medication, or that I worked straight through the weekend and got the see my husband for only a few minutes each day (I’m rather high maintenance).
No matter the reason, I was in a bad place.

And while I was sorting my clothes- the nice ones to give away and the sweat pants which would fit once I abandoned my diet and stopped exercise, because why does the crazy night clerk at Circle K need to look good. I mean surely Circle K would hire a failed writer, mother, wife, human being right???

I had a thought. Yes, it hurt a lot a little bit, hush! I imagined myself as a juggler trying to keep all these balls in the air, work stuff, paperwork, work kids, personal kids, hubby, house, cooking, writing, sleep, social media, blogging, reading, working out, showering, crap that come along and fucks up my day. And there are all these balls and they are different size (based on importance) and some things like my family and work have more than one ball because, hello, there is a lot of shit to take care of.

Cold, heavy dread suffocated me as my eyes filled with tears. I shuffled to my computer and began filling out on line application to Circle K. I was never going to be able to do all of this, never. Needing a moment to figure out what my assets to the Circle K International team might be I scrounged up a hidden Snickers bar and while numbing my sorrow with chocolate and caramel, I began to imagine my life without writing.

I could still write a little bit, and of course pop in a social media and blogging enough to maintain what I had already created but I couldn’t keep trying to pretend I could do it all, when I was obviously failing at EVERYTHING!!!
So after moping about and finishing my Snickers bar, I decided to go to bed. I stumbled over the pile of clothes and as I brushed my teeth, not looking in the mirror because I didn’t need to see the evidence of five years of dieting failure at that particular moment, I had another less painful thought.

What if I gave each of the three main areas in my life one hour?

What if I gave one hour during my six ours off per day to my family? I could clean (we have a small apartment so I could get a lot done) I could prep food for dinner, or put together something, or put something in the crock pot. Sure my family isn’t home, but I can still support them and the space they live in by doing 1 hour a day. AND, because I am a multi-tasking fiend, I can listen to audio books while I’m doing so.

Okay this was sounding reasonable, which is not something I normally hear from the voices in my head so I paid close attention.

If I also gave 1 hour of focused time to work, one hour where I did something focused with the kids (preferably) or paperwork (an occasional necessity) I would feel better about how I’m doing my job. And I already read to them at bedtime, so 30min are already getting done, if I’m having a bad day and need to count it in.

This plan also gives me 1 hour to dedicate to writing every day. One hour where I will focus on my writing and nothing else.

Now I can still check Facebook and Twitter while the kids watch Sponge Bob, and I can read blogs while I eat lunch. Multi-tasking can still happen. But maybe, just maybe I will feel like less of a failure at life if I focus some time every day on the three areas I feel like I am always sucking at.

What do you think? How do you juggle your life?

Just me Begging

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Photo by Enokson


I have gotten such generous support for this on Facebook I thought I would post my begging here 🙂

As some of you know from following my blog I am houseparent at a group home for abused and neglected kids who have been removed from their homes by CPS. And the teens who live here have read ALL my YA books! One of them reads like I do and can read a book in a day, I can’t keep up on my own. Please help me refill my book shelves! I am hoping for books for middle grade and young adult and for both boys and girls.

So if you’re cleaning out your bookshelves, or if you want to pass on your own books I would love to have a shelf of indie books for my kids to read, please let me know. I’ll give you an address you can send them too. And don’t worry about giving me duplicates, if I have more than one they won’t fight over who gets to read it first!

Feel free to pass this on and thanks for your support!

Working My Mad Ninja Parenting Skills

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Photographer Andrew Currie


Parenting is hard work, you have to take on so many roles. My favorite is that of a spy, an evil spy, a sexy evil spy, with mad ninja skills.

Sometimes the best thing for your children is to trick, manipulate and coerce them into doing something.

I kept having issues getting my kids to read so I decided to make it into a competition, 1st place wins $100, 2nd $50. The rules: the person who reads the most pages in one month wins. I have to read double, and they can count the pages they have already read in their current novel. I happened to be between novels, so I started at 0. Boy child locked himself in his room saying he had to ‘earn his living.’ Girl child walked around with her book, only setting it down to try and steal mine so I couldn’t read.

Before bed we wrote our totals down. Girl child was in the lead by one page. Boy child declared that he was just taking a break and would be reading again before he went to sleep. Girl child yelled at him to stop reading, then remembered that she could spend tomorrow reading while boy child worked. Her grin of satisfaction was scary.

The winner will be decided on Aug 1st. But I have a sneaking suspicion that super sexy ninja spy mom will be the real winner.

Week three of the crazy cleanse.

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I am sorry my posts have been so hit and miss, as you can see crazy invaded my life and I was not prepared. Hopefully it will all be settled soon. On with the fun!

Day 15- This is you’re warning, I have started my moon (period), so this week will be full of whining bitching and probably TMI.

I’m feeling okay, actually I’m kind of proud I’m not craving anything bad for me. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ve done enough cleansing that I won’t have a rough time.

Day 16- My body hurts, my mind is a dark place, and I am sure everyone is just trying to piss me off. I’m pretty sure I could kill people right now and not feel bad a bout it at all. Normally I would eat from the four major food groups- gooey, crunchy, salty, and sweet and take Midol. However I’m concerned about taking medication while only eating fruits and an apple just isn’t the same as a pile of egg rolls.

I’m sure this cleanse thing is completely stupid and have to restrain myself from eating other foods.

Day 17- Apparently telling your personal training you’re in a ‘fucking bitchy mood’ is code for work me so hard I’m shaking on the floor, can’t breath any more, and start praying for death.

After working out I read smut and had a protein shake, then nap. I woke up feeling human. Unfortunately that only lasted until someone spoke to me, then I was pissed again.

Is this me on my period? Is this how I would feel every month without holy and blessed combination of Midol, ice cream, and nachos?

I really want a sandwich made from sourdough bread, nutella, and potato chips.

I managed to get the kids through their day and even read a bedtime story and no one burst into tears- but I was close several times.

I dreamt of a triple layer grilled cheese sandwich, it was crispy and one of the many cheeses melting down the side was brie.

Day 18- I woke up feeling human today! I smiled and got out of bed not nearly as sore as I expected to be. Got the kids ready, and didn’t want to stab anyone 🙂

Today I went with a friend to Phoenix and spent tons of money at LUSH. I haven’t indulged like this is forever. It felt great, I didn’t even feel guilty for spending that much money, of course what I got will last me a long time.

I got a fruit smoothie at the food court, my friend was sweet and got a salad. I was so excited by the LUSH I wasn’t even that bothered by all the food smells.

I had a great day, we got stopped by a cop on the freeway- I wasn’t driving, and went to a tattoo parlor, I didn’t get a new tattoo but I really want one.

Any way I’m glad I’m feeling normal again.

Day 19- I had a protein shake for breakfast because I was sore this morning, delayed reaction I guess.

I had a writers meeting which was fun, except for lunch which was a bit difficult to sit through.

At dinner the kids had pot pies, which smelled really good, I almost took one from the kids.

Hubby came down and asked me if I wanted dinner. I told him about wanting to steal the kids food he just smiled and told me there would be a treat with dinner.

Um hello I’m eating nothing but fruit what Kind of a treat could there be?

OLIVES AND PICKLES!!! Rod added a few olives and pickles to my dinner. They’re salty, sour, and the pickles a bit spicy. OMG they are so good. Nom nom nom.

Day 20 and 21- I am sick, tummy cramping, fever, I don’t even check my email sick. I drink some juice and Rod makes me eat a bit apple sauce. I sleep a lot, waking long enough to watch Torchwood and Sherlock then burrowing back under the covers to hide from the air conditioner- it’s 105 outside.

I am better now 🙂 Don’t worry my body is slowly coming back to normal. Also I have a video for you all to watch as I haven’t posted on Music Monday in two weeks! I think the back up dancers are cute- but I still don’t like white skinny jeans, sorry guys.

Mad ramblings from the second week of a cleanse.

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Another yummy breakfast

Day 8- When they say sleep is important, especially if you are working towards a healthier lifestyle they mean it. This morning it was very difficult to keep to my fruit cleanse. I wanted fast carbs- white flour and sugar like crazy. Got all the kids off to school, then slept. I feel better now, but I’m still groggy and I can feel that my patience isn’t as high as I need it to be for work. I will breath, smile, and remind myself that this is temporary.

I got a new kid tonight, he seems nice, but I never sleep well when I have a new kid in the house. Not looking forward to tomorrow.

Day 9- Doing okay, I’m emotional- which today mean pissy. Got through my morning, and then did personal training at the gym. While suffering Evil’s plots and what I know to be a contest personal trainers hold to see who can get their clients to do the craziest stuff- I had a great book idea. Demons hiding as personal trainers. Evil laughed, just wait I will write it and in my book, Evil will not have hot wild sex with anyone!

Had a protein shake when I got home. I’m getting tired of fruit (imagine that) which means I’m eating less, but I’m still feeling good except for the emotional crap. Read up on voodoo (yes you should be scared), napped, took a bath so I could walk later. My mind was racing with really negative thoughts so I took some Melissa. Is this just because I haven’t slept well or is it part of the cleanse? Are old emotions releasing? Or am I panicking because I am no longer supporting my armor of fat?

Or maybe it’s showing me that not every day is a beautiful synchronistic day. Some days suck, some just are, and some your in the flow.

There’s a Zen story about two monks walking a sheer mountain path to get to their temple. A storm comes in and they can’t see except when the lighting crackles through the air. At which time they move forward as far as they can and wait for the next burst of lightning. The moral is the enlightenment isn’t the sun shining constantly, but burst of clarity that helps us move forward a bit at a time.

I like this, I’m going with the Zen.

Subdued three small children with apples- see fruit it a powerful thing 🙂

Dinner of cucumbers, avocado, and tomatoes. It’s yummier then it looks.

Day 10- Lots of moodiness. Definitely some emotional cleansing going on. I don’t want to eat fruit, so I’m pouting a lot. But physically I still feel really good.

Day 11- Okay I was tested big time. One of my kids lost his mind, while I wasn’t there. I was at a function for my daughter’s school – yes again- when I find out how bad his fit was. Poor things had to be removed from our place. So here I am upset I wasn’t there, feeling guilty one of ‘my kids’ is putting my co-workers and friends through all of this and I surrounded by pizza and cookies.
I didn’t eat any, and tried very hard to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people actions. That if I was working and one of them was off I would take care of it because that’s what we do.

Tala did awesome at the talent show, and I was able to calm down enough to enjoy it. But once I got home to anxiety crept up and I felt nauseous with guilt.

I felt this way until everything was settled at the hospital and my friend was home.
If I hadn’t been cleansing while I waited I would have been eating total crap. And I realized that while I would have felt full, and nauseous and added in more guilt for eating so much and poorly I wouldn’t have felt any better. Medicating with food doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t make me feel any better. I hope I remember this when I am done cleansing.

I don’t make myself food this pretty

Day 12- Today I have learned to tell the difference between a mistake I make and feeling responsible for stuff I have no control over. I did this because I made a mistake, and instead of feeling overwhelmed and out of control I was able to find solutions and work to fix it. When I’m feeling guilty and responsible for something that isn’t my fault, such as hubby getting a flat tire, there are no solutions.

Food wise I had to peel an avocado and take bites of it because I forgot my spoon and knife when we went to the park. I’m pretty sure I looked rather special in that moment.

Day 13- I didn’t eat enough today. Hubby made me a lovely breakfast, but after that he was busy until dinner and I worked all day- as I do on the weekends, and I was pouting because I didn’t want to eat fruit so I wound up with a headache and moody.

Watch out for berry thieves!

Day 14- I got two little boys late last night and didn’t go to bed until midnight. I was up at 5:30am to start getting kids up and about for school. I ate most of my breakfast but my two new ones 4 and 5 decided my fruit looked better then their cereal and kept stealing my berries. They are super cute, so I let it happen.

Worked out today and napped. Not much else. Keeping up with three little kids and two med sized kids takes a lot of energy! However I did feel good on the fruit only 🙂

Battle!!!

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FYI- this post hasn’t been edited because I’m feeling inspired right now and because this is a raw subject so I’m letting myself be raw and vulnerable. Okay I’m a day late posting and don’t have time to get it edited- but the vulnerable thing sounded good right?

Today is the day I stop ‘trying to lose weight’ and do it. Six years ago I began my battle with my body, trying different things to lose weight. I would say out loud that I wanted to be healthy and feel better. I have a daughter whose self esteem I’m trying to preserve. But it always came down to numbers on the scale and tag of clothes.

Anyway as I’m sure it is for most of you the battle never ends. It’s a yo-yo ride of horror, where you eat well, exercise, say your positive affirmations and lose some weight. Then something happens. You fight with your spouse, stress because of an asshole at work, you get on the scale which hasn’t changed much and you try to console yourself that you have lost inches and gone down a dress size and muscle weighs more then fat, but that number on the fucking scale burns through everything good leaving a gaping wound which can only be filled by fried chocolaty things.

*crickers chirping* okay maybe that last one is just me.

Point being something happens, maybe it’s a good thing like a party. And you eat. You eat yummy greasy things that make you feel heavy, then numb. And the world is a tough place and dealing with emotions when you have so much to get done can be challenging, and numb feels really good right now. So you order some Chinese food and turn on re-runs of Big Bang Theory and become happily numb.

And, of course, you gain all the weight right back.

So for the past six years this has been me. I’d like to think I am smarter then this, that I would have learned some trick, or sucked it the fuck up and just pushed past it, but I didn’t and I actually weight more now then when I started.

So I am calling out a battle cry against the yo-yo of evil. I am going to break through my bad eating habits, and work on the emotional aspect while doing it- see I can learn.

Why now? You might ask, well really it’s a depressing story and involves crying in Target after trying on jeans on my birthday- lets just not go there.

My master plan I shall share with you. I am doing a cleanse for 30days. I have done it before and have my Personal Trainer and a nutritionist (okay my hubby with tons of life experience) helping me out. I will have a protein shake after working out, and the rest of the time eat raw fruit. My goal is to cleanse my body of all the crap I’ve been eating and break my addictions to carbs, salt, fat, sugar, and gooeyness.

I also want to break my cycle of eating until I’m numb and ignoring my emotions. So to do this I will be following the advice I read in an article on Oprah’s site which talked about emotional eating, you can read it here

Bob Greene talks about making a pie chart with eight segments and putting down the eight things that are most important to you. Then you color in the sections you feel are good in your life. The ones you don’t fill in are places you are trying to eat to fill up. Interesting. So, I will also being doing this, and trying to work on the emotional reasons I eat.

Here are my eight-

1-My kids

2- My hubby

3- Work

4- Writing

5- Friends

6- Spirituality/ self reflection/ personal growth

7- Fun

8- Financial Security

I will continue to write in my gratitude journal, and I’m going to focus on adding more joy into my life. Also I’m going to work on accepting that I am an emotionally sensitive person. I cry at commercials. I am dramatic and use my hands a lot when I speak. And this is okay. I’m not broken. I don’t have to change, or suck it up, or fix anything. Yes, there are times and places for things, but I’m an adult and I can wait to freak out, I don’t need to numb myself so I don’t feel it at all. And no matter how intense my emotions I’m strong enough to handle them. They won’t break me.

So, have you managed to defeat the evil yo-yo?

What would your eight things be?

How do you handle your emotions when it isn’t safe to express them right then?

ROW 80

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Sorry I’ve been gone but computer problems have made getting anything done difficult. I did write 3000 words this past week. And computer or not I’m ready to hop back into the ROW80 and get back on track.

 

So here are my goals-

Writing

1000 words per day- it can be blog or WIP but I must write before I can get onto the web

edit 1 chapter of book two that has been looked over by my critique group.

read blogs daily- including blogger so that reading them stays fun and doesn’t become a chore.

Play on FB and twitter 3x a daily no more then 15min at a time.

Pintrest 3x per week.

Blog 3x per week.

 

Personal

Start diet from personal training (not looking forward to this)

Exercise 5 days per week.

Read one book for spiritual/personal growth

 

How is everyone else doing??

 

 

 

ROW80 update

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I didn’t do too bad this week.

5 out of 7 days I made my 1000 word count- not getting on the internet helps a lot. I’ll continue with this goal.

I did write a first lesson, but it’s weak. So for this week I’ll work on lesson 2 and see if I can make lesson 1 stronger.

I checked out a lot more then three review sites and sent in requests for 5 sites. I haven’t heard anything back yet. I hope this means they are busy and not rejecting my story. Ah the fragile ego of a writer. I will check out at least 3 more review sites this weeks and send requests into those who seem like a good fit.

I didn’t send anything to my critique because my poor critique partner is totally overwhelmed with work, classes, and having gotten sick. We won;t meet again until the end of the month so instead I’ll change my goal to making edits suggested by my critique partners on two previous chapters.

How is everyone else doing?

My first ROW80 check-in

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Last week I signed up for ROW80 so of course my world got all crazy and I got nothing done. So this Sunday I’m here to list my goals for the week.

1- writing 1000 words per day. I can work on my WIP or write blogs, but no internet until I’ve written 1000 words.

2- I will write a first lesson for a Create Diversity in Your Writing class I’ve been thinking of organizing.

3- I will check out 3 review sites for submitting my book.

4- Send my next two chapters to my critique group.

5- Set up some more interviews or guest posts for my blog and for me to do.

I’m just starting with these as goals, if I do well I’ll add some more. 🙂

We Are Not Alone–An Indie Cinderella Story (via Kristen Lamb’s Blog)

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I need to buy some glass slippers- such a great post and such inspiration!
Alica

We Are Not Alone--An Indie Cinderella Story Welcome to WANA Wednesday, based off my best-selling books, We Are Not Alone–The Writer's Guide to Social Media  and Are You There, Blog? It's Me, Writer.  This is the day I dedicate to teaching you guys how to rock it hard when it comes to social media. Writing is hard. Building a platform is hard. Some days it will feel as if you are doing all this work, and yet it's all for nothing. So, today I want to share some social media successes with y … Read More

via Kristen Lamb's Blog