I hope this makes you smile- Happy Friday everyone!
I am by nature a brat. Through a healthy diet, proper sleep, exercise, and a strong routine, I can get a lot done. But if one of these is messed up, everything is in jeopardy.
I do my best to stick to my goals and routines, and settle back into who I want to be. However, there is a guaranteed self-destruct button labeled should.
If I can’t get myself back on track inevitably I was say to myself, “Hey, Alica, you should___________.” It doesn’t matter what is in that blank: take a shower, chop some veggies, eat fruit, write a bit more. Suddenly I’m sitting on my ass, reading, and eating potato chips. From the bag—no portioned controlled bowl for me!
I try, I really do. I try to use “could,” as in “I could write for an hour.” But “could” is just a “should” in skinny jeans and a Duran Duran tee shirt.
Now “need,” if backed by my boss, the stench from my body, or a pink bill, will get me moving again. But I can tell a fake “need” from an actual “You will be in trouble if you don’t do this need.”
This sounds amazingly childish, and honestly it really is childish, but this is who I am. Apparently I get things done when someone in a position of authority expects something from me. Getting stuff done on my own, for myself, not so good.
Pathetic right? And not such a good fit for a self-publishing author.
I’ve tried different things, but really it comes down to tempting myself into doing something as one would a small child. “Just do ten minutes. You can even set the timer. Just write for ten minutes and then you can have a piece of candy.”
This will usually result in my remembering that I love writing and I write for a while once I get warmed up.
This also works with chores, and even food. Hey, just add a cup of fruit to your lunch, the rest can be Cheetos.
What is crazy and the most depressing, if I think about it, is that I like having a clean house. I like eating healthy foods. Most of the things I resist doing ,I enjoy, or at least enjoy the outcome.
I feel ridiculous, like Sheldon so wrapped up in only doing what the dice allow him to do, he can’t even go to the bathroom! Hey wait, maybe that would work! Maybe when I get like this I could just roll the dice: evens I do something productive for a while, odds I sit and read. That way I’d have a 50% chance of getting something done during the day!
I could roll as I complete a task, or end a chapter. OMG! The Big Bang Theory is brilliant. This changes everything, I’ll just become like Sheldon!
What do you think, do I have a good plan? And, by the way, I hate to be rude but you’re in my spot.
FYI- this post hasn’t been edited because I’m feeling inspired right now and because this is a raw subject so I’m letting myself be raw and vulnerable. Okay I’m a day late posting and don’t have time to get it edited- but the vulnerable thing sounded good right?
Today is the day I stop ‘trying to lose weight’ and do it. Six years ago I began my battle with my body, trying different things to lose weight. I would say out loud that I wanted to be healthy and feel better. I have a daughter whose self esteem I’m trying to preserve. But it always came down to numbers on the scale and tag of clothes.
Anyway as I’m sure it is for most of you the battle never ends. It’s a yo-yo ride of horror, where you eat well, exercise, say your positive affirmations and lose some weight. Then something happens. You fight with your spouse, stress because of an asshole at work, you get on the scale which hasn’t changed much and you try to console yourself that you have lost inches and gone down a dress size and muscle weighs more then fat, but that number on the fucking scale burns through everything good leaving a gaping wound which can only be filled by fried chocolaty things.
*crickers chirping* okay maybe that last one is just me.
Point being something happens, maybe it’s a good thing like a party. And you eat. You eat yummy greasy things that make you feel heavy, then numb. And the world is a tough place and dealing with emotions when you have so much to get done can be challenging, and numb feels really good right now. So you order some Chinese food and turn on re-runs of Big Bang Theory and become happily numb.
And, of course, you gain all the weight right back.
So for the past six years this has been me. I’d like to think I am smarter then this, that I would have learned some trick, or sucked it the fuck up and just pushed past it, but I didn’t and I actually weight more now then when I started.
So I am calling out a battle cry against the yo-yo of evil. I am going to break through my bad eating habits, and work on the emotional aspect while doing it- see I can learn.
Why now? You might ask, well really it’s a depressing story and involves crying in Target after trying on jeans on my birthday- lets just not go there.
My master plan I shall share with you. I am doing a cleanse for 30days. I have done it before and have my Personal Trainer and a nutritionist (okay my hubby with tons of life experience) helping me out. I will have a protein shake after working out, and the rest of the time eat raw fruit. My goal is to cleanse my body of all the crap I’ve been eating and break my addictions to carbs, salt, fat, sugar, and gooeyness.
I also want to break my cycle of eating until I’m numb and ignoring my emotions. So to do this I will be following the advice I read in an article on Oprah’s site which talked about emotional eating, you can read it here
Bob Greene talks about making a pie chart with eight segments and putting down the eight things that are most important to you. Then you color in the sections you feel are good in your life. The ones you don’t fill in are places you are trying to eat to fill up. Interesting. So, I will also being doing this, and trying to work on the emotional reasons I eat.
Here are my eight-
2- My hubby
6- Spirituality/ self reflection/ personal growth
8- Financial Security
I will continue to write in my gratitude journal, and I’m going to focus on adding more joy into my life. Also I’m going to work on accepting that I am an emotionally sensitive person. I cry at commercials. I am dramatic and use my hands a lot when I speak. And this is okay. I’m not broken. I don’t have to change, or suck it up, or fix anything. Yes, there are times and places for things, but I’m an adult and I can wait to freak out, I don’t need to numb myself so I don’t feel it at all. And no matter how intense my emotions I’m strong enough to handle them. They won’t break me.
So, have you managed to defeat the evil yo-yo?
What would your eight things be?
How do you handle your emotions when it isn’t safe to express them right then?