Tag Archives: childhood

She’s smooth as Chunky Peanut Butter

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My daughter is smooth.

My daughter is smooth.

So last night I am sitting on my couch talking to my DD when she puts her hand over my eyes. “Shush” she says as I hear the rustling of the money on the table.

She removes her hand and had stuffed the bills in her bra. Grinning she says, “I’m smooth as chunky peanut butter. Oops missed one.”

She grabs the last dollar and stands up grinning at me whispers, “Smooth.”

She walks to the door, goes all ‘Aunt Brandy’ (flips me off playfully—it’s a thing at my house) then runs off cackling.

Why do I keep these people around?

Vengeance is MINE!!!!!

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Alica Mckenna-Johnson, honey, sweet vengance

photo by alsjhc

I have waited fourteen long, trying years but finally the sweet honey taste of vengeance is mine to savor.
My daughter has fallen in love with a book, The Fault In Our Stars, and she was sitting on the couch reading—totally lost to the world. Smiling, I sat down next to her and started to talk to her.

I asked her random questions.

I hugged her.

I lay on her arm.

I moved her book so I could see what she was reading.

She screeched at me to leave her alone.

She complained how annoying I am.

She pushed me away.

Finally she stormed off into her room.

And I laughed, and hubby laughed, and after fourteen years of her interrupting us when we sat down to read, finally it was my turn to drive her crazy.

I can still taste the honey sweetness of revenge on my tongue.

This is what I have to live with.

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Logan

Logan

So I’ve been writing down the odd, creepy, and sometimes funny things my children have said. Please enjoy.

“I always try to have a magnesium block when running from bad guys.” –Logan

“Mom, that’s not how obsession works.” – Tala

“I want Dad to divorce you and become gay and marry Adam Lambert or Cheeks because that would be awesome.” – Tala

“Wait, you mean we have to kill everyone in the kitchen?”- Logan and his friend, age 4

“I’m watching you. My eyes are everywhere. The fish are my minions!”- Tala

Tala

Tala

“Americans are stupid and smell like grease.” – Tala (We are American’s BTW)

“If you find a body in the bathroom, it’s not mine.” –Tala

“I don’t mind the popularity, it’s the fans that get annoying.”- Logan

“I like to violate the law from the safety of my own home.”- Tala

“I want to become a cobbler. It is my life’s dream to become a cobbler. Okay, well, it’s not, but I still want to study to be a cobbler.” Logan

“Mom, guys who are into the things I’m into aren’t hot; they’re really not.” Tala

We’re looking at new cell phones, and, of course, Tala wants an iPhone, and I’m looking at the cheapest. “I feel like I’m in an arranged marriage.”- Tala

“I judge people on the bus, but I don’t look at them.” – Tala

Crazy zealot protesting gays outside a coffee shop see my daughter and her friend walking, and he says. “See: a good white American Christian couple.” And then my daughter said, “Thanks. I used to be a man.”

“Wait, you can get whatever you want carved on your tombstone? Then I want hot, shirtless, anime guys on mine.”- Tala

What is the craziest thing your kids have ever said?

Warning Signs

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My poor dad if only he had known.

My poor dad if only he had known.

There are a few events from my childhood that should have been a warning that something wasn’t right with me, I would grow up to be a writer. Here’s one of them.

When I was eight I spent hours one summer afternoon throwing a tennis ball against the garage door. It seemed innocent enough, but I was systematically not using a finger as I threw the ball. I started with my thumb, btw it is very hard to throw and catch a ball not using your thumb, then pointer finger, middle, ring, and finally my cute little pinkie finger.

As I tested each finger I would hold it up and see how well I could throw and catch the ball without using it.
The point? I wanted to see if I had to lose a finger which one would be the easiest to live without. At the time it was the middle finger, but I was young and innocent than and didn’t realize how important the middle finger really is for an adult.

So what about you? What strange things did you do as a child? Did you tell anyone? I never did, I assumed every one did these things so it wasn’t worth talking about. If only my parents had known, I could have gotten professional help LOL!

Psychic Teens

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Summer Glau, vagueonthehow, River, Firefly, psychic teens, Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo by Vagueonthehow


There is a special time when I think with the right guidance people could learn psychic gifts. You see, when a teenager is angry, you can feel it. Not just hear the huff of irritation, see the eyeroll of angst, or watch the sharp angry movement of disgust at every adult in the world.

No, teenagers make the very air toxic when they are upset. It’s as if a fog sweeps through their pores and you breathe in their anger and hatred for you. When they pout, because you are just so unfair and don’t understand, vibrations emanate from them that make your teeth ache. It feels as if someone is continually scratching their nails on a chalk board.

If you call them on the psychic attacks they just get pissy and storm off saying they aren’t doing anything.
But they are—they are trying to kill you with their mind.

Oh sure, it’s subconscious, but if they had training they could become lethal weapons. The Alliance took River Tam when she was a young teenager for a reason, you know.

Girls tend to be more powerful than boys simply because they will internalize their anger and seethe silently for hour, days, sometimes weeks. Ask a girl to clean up after herself, and you need to bring out crystals and sweet grass to burn in order to protect yourself from their toxic fuming.

Boys tend to be more instant. They cuss at you, slam their bedroom door, turn on their music and move on. But those boys who internalize their venomous teen angst are just as toxic.

Unfortunately, there is little a parent can do. Ignore the teen, and go about your business. When I say ignore, I don’t mean glaring at them or their bedroom door waiting for the psychic attack to stop. I mean do something, read a book, check your email. While your stomach is turning inside out, and you’re thinking of pulling out your own teeth just to make it stop, you pretend like nothing is happening.

Chocolate is good for dementors and psychic teen attacks. Always have some on hand; dark chocolate works best mostly because teens don’t tend to like it and will leave it alone.

Breathe slow and steady and remember eventually a friend will text them, their favorite song will come on the radio, or they’ll fall asleep and the attack will stop. But be careful until then, because in that moment you have a River or Sheldon trying to kill you with their brain.

Jim Parsons, Sheldon, Melody J Sandoval, Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo by MelodyJSandoval

My Dad Was A Stripper

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Alica Mckenna Johnson, stripper

Photo by amaianos

When I was little I couldn’t pronounce what my father did for a living. Lithographer was simply too difficult. However, within the printing industry my father’s job was called ‘stripper’ because he cut out and assembled strips of film.

I can still remember being five and my friend’s parents asking me what my dad did for a living. I would smile all cute with my read hair in pig tails and freckles decorating my nose and say, “My dad is a stripper.” A look of shocked horror passed over their faces then I would quickly add. “But not the kind who takes off his clothes.” And then I would explain what he did.

As I got older, I enjoyed the shock and I would pause for a moment before explaining what he really did. I was able to pronounce lithographer for years before I stopped saying stripping was my father’s profession.
Yes, I was evil. Did you expect anything different? And seriously, if you have met my dad, you don’t expect anything different for me. He thought it was just as funny as I did.

Alica Mckenna Johnson

My Dad

Confession: A Childhood of Evil

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angel, Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo by Blondeeo2


Once upon a time, my loving and brilliant parents, fooled into thinking I was a good child, made a rule. You see my sister and I had been fighting a lot which had become hitting a lot. So the new rule stated that if one of us hit the other, the injured party got to pick any one of our attacker’s tapes or records (this would be CD’s for you young folks) and could keep it.

Normally this would be enough to stay our hands as we loved our music, but my sister had something I wanted. It was an Air Supply tape. So I waited until we began to fight, and I pushed past where I normally would have gone. I egged my poor little sister on, knowing she would eventually lose her temper. Yes, she hit me.

Triumphant, I gathered up my prize. Let us all enjoy the awesomeness of my prize:

I was young, stop judging me!

After that my parents’ rule worked perfectly!

Did you ever egg anyone on into breaking a rule so you could reap the benefits?

Life Before IMDB (International Movie Data Base)

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I love IMDB, and almost every movie or show I watch I will check IMDB at least once to find out where else I have seen an actor, where I recognize a voice from, or because the movie is so good that I want to know what else the director, actors, writers have done!

Photo taken by christopherharte

Photo taken by christopherharte


I can’t imagine not being able to look up something right away. I should be able to, because I lived back in the dark times before IMDB *shivers* I have hazy, pain-filled memories of wracking my brain for hours trying to figure out who was doing the voice of a cartoon character, or what else I had seen that actress in.

My eyes feasted on the credits, pathetically hopefully that their name would ring a bell and I would be able to remember the information I was searching for.

Days would pass sometimes before the answer would come to me. I would be walking with friends gossiping about boys and window shopping and suddenly call out “Star Trek, that’s where I know him from!” My friends would look at me like I was crazy. I would explain how I was watching a movie, and couldn’t remember where I had seen the actor before and it suddenly came to me, Star Trek.

Photo by gb_packards

Photo by gb_packards

“Oh, okay,” they would say gently, as if loud noises would make me explode into a female Mr. Hyde. “What movie?”
Of course I could never remember the name of in that moment. This insured another random outburst hours or days later.

What is your favorite info website or app?

Confessions of the Lies I’ve Told

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Photo by scubadive67

Photo by scubadive67


Well, just one of the lies—I need to stretch them out so I can do other blog posts.

So I was an evil child, not wild and crazy , but sneaky manipulative evil.

When I was six and my little innocent sister was five we shared a room, and every night we had to clean our room before bed.

Well one night I got the bright idea to offer my sister cookies the next morning if she cleaned the whole room. My sister, being younger and trusting, was very excited about the idea and began to clean.

The next morning I was worried because I didn’t have any cookies, but a miracle happened. My sister had forgotten! My evil little brain began to whirl and smoke and I came up with a plan. For weeks every night I would promise my sister some elaborate dessert is only she would clean the room and each morning she would have forgotten.
It was brilliant!

I only did this for a few weeks, not only was there a tiny little kernel of guilt forming, but I was really scared of getting caught. I’m pretty sure it would have been a spanking offense.

My poor sister. She didn’t remember until I mentioned it as an adult, but I think the realization does explain some of the more noisy gifts she has bought my children over the years.

Did you have any fun sibling stories? Did you have a sibling like me?

Picnicking with cats.

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Photo graphed by Herncar


One fine summer day my sister (8) and I (9) were left alone because we were old enough to look after ourselves. We decided to go on a picnic. The suburb we lived in was a new development. Lovely Alaskan forest was bulldozed to make building space for our townhouse.

This meant there was a lot of forest and bog (moss-covered ground that squishes like a wet sponge and is a good place for blueberries to grow) for us to explore. Brandy and I loved to go on picnics, but today we wanted something special, so we decided to take our cats, Pooder and Tig.

In the small pocket of our school backpacks we put packed lunches for us and cheese and lunch meat for the cats. In the large pocket we shoved in the cats. I knew they would not walk there on their own. We weren’t unkind; we zipped them up so their heads stuck out of the packs, and they could see where we going and could breathe.

We walked deep into the forest, and found the perfect place to play and wait for unicorns to come and visit us. It was maybe a quarter of a mile from the road, and the cats had no idea where we were.

We took them out of the bags, and they began to meow frantically. I was worried they wouldn’t have any fun on our picnic. After eating some meat, they calmed down and began to explore. They ate grass, chased butterflies, and climbed fallen logs.

Photo by Abhialeena

They were careful to not go too far, and I like to think they enjoyed their outing. When we were ready to go Brandy and I used the last of the cats’ lunch to lure Pooder and Tig back to us and then stuffed them back into our backpacks and left for home.

I guess this wasn’t as bad as Cat Radio, because our parents didn’t ban us from doing it again. In fact Brandy and I took Pooder and Tig on several picnics that summer. They really enjoyed them, I am sure of it.