Tag Archives: parenting teens

I’m Invisible My Daughter Can Now Date

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Concealment Shorts, a must have. Photo by Optics Planet

Concealment Shorts, a must have.
Photo by Optics Planet


There is a new kit from Optics Planet, the Invisible Man kit. They say it is great for hunting, hide-n-seek and dating. But I think they are missing a valuable marketing tool, although it would make for a truly epic game of hide-n-seek.

I saw this kit and the first thought I had was Thank goodness. I can now hide from my children while still keeping an eye on them.

Just pop on that ghillie suit and you can watch the kids play in the backyard and eat your favorite treat without children trying to steal any. Oh, yes, I thought this is truly a brilliant idea, and then hubby came home, saw the kit and said. “Okay, Tala can date now.”

“Um, what?”

“Well now I can ‘watch’ her and the boy on dates, so she’ll be safe.”

I looked at the kit and smiled, oh yes.

Look at all the goodies. Photo by Optics Planet

Look at all the goodies.
Photo by Optics Planet

Ghillie suit for instant camouflage—woodland and snow!

A tactical vest to carry all your equipment.

Pro ears to make sure that boy is speaking kindly to our daughter.

Binoculars, night-vision and thermal scopes. You will see them anywhere!

And of course, in case the boy is stupid and didn’t take your threat—um, friendly warning—seriously, a knife and shovel.
Oh there is so much more to this kit, the possibilities are endless.

Don’t worry, I hear your cries. Yes, it’s true supernatural boys are all the rage these days, and yes, a werewolf, shape shifter, or vampire could detect a normal person’s presence. But you won’t be a normal person—you’ve chosen to buy the Invisible Man kit, and they have thought of everything!

Even more goodies. Photo By Optics Planet

Even more goodies.
Photo By Optics Planet

This preternatural boy won’t be able to smell you as you monitor the safety of your daughter because the Invisible Man Kit comes with four—yes four—different scents: skunk, cougar, white-tail deer, and boar! (Please don’t use animal scents on the full moon around werewolf boyfriends.)

What about your own scent? They have that covered, too. The Port-A-P hunting urinal seals so tightly that sensitive noses won’t sniff out your presence no matter how long you perch in that tree watching the den of sin. Or as your daughter said, “Relax. It’s just a party. I’m sure his parents will be there somewhere.” Never rely on other parents again! With the Invisible Man kit you can make sure your daughter is safe. It won’t matter if she’s dating a tattooed drummer or a hundred-year-old vampire, you will be there!

For more ideas watch the Invisible Man video.

What is your favorite part of the Invisible Man kit? How would you use it?

For only $20,000 I’m expecting one for Christmas, and hopefully hubby will splurge and go for the $20,009.99 kit so I can also get the hat!

I am a Movie Grinch

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My poor husband I am so mean to him.

My poor husband I am so mean to him.


I love movies, and I enjoy going to the theater, but I HATE spending that much money. It’s crazy for me and my family. To go and buy drinks and popcorn is over $80! For two hours’ worth of fun, I just can’t stomach it.

My hubby on the other hand LOVES going to the movies and the whole movie experience. So I bite my tongue and try not to act like the movie-going version of the Grinch when he asks the kids if they want anything.

They are children, the money sucking vampires, of course they want something!

I flinch when the total comes up and think of all the things I could have bought with the money we just spent, add in the money for the tickets, too, and my aversion to going to the movies grows. I keep these thoughts to myself as my hubby and the money vampires are now happily munching popcorn and slurping sodas.

Instead I settle in and allow myself to get lost in the film. We really don’t go very often, so the movie watching part is great.

Once the movie is over, I go back to the money issue. Did we just have eighty-plus dollars’ worth of fun? In a few months it would have been at the cheap theater (we have second-run three-dollar movie theaters in town) or even better at the video store. (Yes, I still go to one). Then the popcorn would be organic and a thousand times cheaper than the first-run movie theater.

Photo by Veggiefrog

Photo by Veggiefrog

Again, I do my best to keep these thoughts to myself. Because I live in Arizona, going from the cold dark theater to basically the face of the sun when I step outside, my scowl is mistaken for a personal war against the heat.
Thankfully we don’t go often due to not having a car, not having any free time, and me sighing and saying ‘Are you sure it will be worth it? What’s on Netflix?’

So are you a movie Grinch? Or do you love the movies enough to pay ten dollars for twenty five cents worth of popcorn?

This is what I have to live with.

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Logan

Logan

So I’ve been writing down the odd, creepy, and sometimes funny things my children have said. Please enjoy.

“I always try to have a magnesium block when running from bad guys.” –Logan

“Mom, that’s not how obsession works.” – Tala

“I want Dad to divorce you and become gay and marry Adam Lambert or Cheeks because that would be awesome.” – Tala

“Wait, you mean we have to kill everyone in the kitchen?”- Logan and his friend, age 4

“I’m watching you. My eyes are everywhere. The fish are my minions!”- Tala

Tala

Tala

“Americans are stupid and smell like grease.” – Tala (We are American’s BTW)

“If you find a body in the bathroom, it’s not mine.” –Tala

“I don’t mind the popularity, it’s the fans that get annoying.”- Logan

“I like to violate the law from the safety of my own home.”- Tala

“I want to become a cobbler. It is my life’s dream to become a cobbler. Okay, well, it’s not, but I still want to study to be a cobbler.” Logan

“Mom, guys who are into the things I’m into aren’t hot; they’re really not.” Tala

We’re looking at new cell phones, and, of course, Tala wants an iPhone, and I’m looking at the cheapest. “I feel like I’m in an arranged marriage.”- Tala

“I judge people on the bus, but I don’t look at them.” – Tala

Crazy zealot protesting gays outside a coffee shop see my daughter and her friend walking, and he says. “See: a good white American Christian couple.” And then my daughter said, “Thanks. I used to be a man.”

“Wait, you can get whatever you want carved on your tombstone? Then I want hot, shirtless, anime guys on mine.”- Tala

What is the craziest thing your kids have ever said?

Psychic Teens

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Summer Glau, vagueonthehow, River, Firefly, psychic teens, Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo by Vagueonthehow


There is a special time when I think with the right guidance people could learn psychic gifts. You see, when a teenager is angry, you can feel it. Not just hear the huff of irritation, see the eyeroll of angst, or watch the sharp angry movement of disgust at every adult in the world.

No, teenagers make the very air toxic when they are upset. It’s as if a fog sweeps through their pores and you breathe in their anger and hatred for you. When they pout, because you are just so unfair and don’t understand, vibrations emanate from them that make your teeth ache. It feels as if someone is continually scratching their nails on a chalk board.

If you call them on the psychic attacks they just get pissy and storm off saying they aren’t doing anything.
But they are—they are trying to kill you with their mind.

Oh sure, it’s subconscious, but if they had training they could become lethal weapons. The Alliance took River Tam when she was a young teenager for a reason, you know.

Girls tend to be more powerful than boys simply because they will internalize their anger and seethe silently for hour, days, sometimes weeks. Ask a girl to clean up after herself, and you need to bring out crystals and sweet grass to burn in order to protect yourself from their toxic fuming.

Boys tend to be more instant. They cuss at you, slam their bedroom door, turn on their music and move on. But those boys who internalize their venomous teen angst are just as toxic.

Unfortunately, there is little a parent can do. Ignore the teen, and go about your business. When I say ignore, I don’t mean glaring at them or their bedroom door waiting for the psychic attack to stop. I mean do something, read a book, check your email. While your stomach is turning inside out, and you’re thinking of pulling out your own teeth just to make it stop, you pretend like nothing is happening.

Chocolate is good for dementors and psychic teen attacks. Always have some on hand; dark chocolate works best mostly because teens don’t tend to like it and will leave it alone.

Breathe slow and steady and remember eventually a friend will text them, their favorite song will come on the radio, or they’ll fall asleep and the attack will stop. But be careful until then, because in that moment you have a River or Sheldon trying to kill you with their brain.

Jim Parsons, Sheldon, Melody J Sandoval, Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo by MelodyJSandoval

Condoms are not one size fits all.

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Photographer Dan4th


I was on the phone with my BFF Heather,and we were talking about giving our kids “the talk.” Both of us are huge advocates of repeating “You must always wear a condom.” Until our kids ears bleed. This got me thinking that I should update my stash of condoms. While I feel, and have told my son, if he’s man enough to have sex, then he’s man enough to buy his own condoms. I want to make sure he has them because come on— teens don’t always make the best choices.
So back to the point of updating my condom stash, it suddenly dawned on me at 38 that condoms come in different sizes, and how does one tell what size condom he needs?

Is the extra large on the box just an ego trip, or does it really mean something?

So I went to all mighty Google and Googled “How do I tell what size condom to buy?”

Apparently, there is a size chart.

Sssoooooooo, does this mean I need to have my son measure himself so I can buy the right sized condoms, cause that’s not information I want to know.

Should I let him know there is a sizing difference? Do I say this to him, or just send him a link in an email? I think posting it on his Facebook wall would be tacky.

And did you know how many different types of condoms there are? They even have ones you can get pictures printed onto. I have a deep heartfelt feeling that if I was single and some guy put on a condom with a picture printed on it, that I would no longer be interested in having sex with said person.

For lots of condom fun check out this website-

Molding My Daughter Into a Joss Whedon Girl

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Photo by RavenU

I don’t mean this to be creepy, I’m not preparing my daughter to become his concubine, or join his harem or anything like that, although for the right price I might sell her ….

And, yes, she is a fangirl, and can sing all the songs from Once More With Feeling, and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog. Yes, yes, I am very proud.

What I mean is I am trying to make my daughter into a badass warrior woman: Buffy, Zoe, Faith (but not when she was evil), River, Willow (again not when she was evil), and Kaylee you know what I’m talking about.

I want my daughter to be a badass. I want her to carry throwing stars tucked into her belt, I want the loser who puts drugs in girls’ drinks to be afraid the minute she steps into a room, I want my daughter to be able to back her ‘no’, and not wait for someone else to save her.

Hair and attitude ready for ass-kickings!

And it would be great if she looked awesome and had terribly clever things to say while kicking ass. No one likes a boring heroine.

Joss showed us that strong, powerful, fearless, kick ass woman can be beautiful, compassionate, and accessorize any outfit.

And that is what I want for my daughter.

So those of you with daughters what movie characters do you hope they grow up to become?

Action movies, best parent guide ever!

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This post was inspired by this Facebook conversation.

Logan McKenna: My mum just called me a wuss/loser. So I’m putting it up for a vote and letting y’all decide whether I’m a wuss/loser. lol
Stewart: god no

Rachael: I agree with stewart!

Logan McKenna: Thanks guys 🙂

Emily: no freaking way

Alica Mckenna Johnson: RUDE! He wasn’t able to do a hand stand push up. A mom has to have standards.

Logan McKenna: Hey, I wasn’t able to stay balanced after doing the push up.

Alica Mckenna Johnson: No excuses!! Would a Navy Seal be whining like this? I think not!

Logan McKenna: I was stating a fact not whining 😛

Alica Mckenna Johnson: whatever. It was in your tone.

Logan McKenna: How can you tell what my tune is over text? and so far it’s 4 to 1

Alica Mckenna Johnson: TONE your tone of voice, but the tune you are humming is also very whiny.

Logan McKenna: What tune was I humming? I don’t remember humming anything, unless you are saying that the hum of my heart is whining

Alica Mckenna Johnson: I didn’t want to say so in front of your friends but yes, yes it is.

Logan McKenna: Haha. I know there was a reason I liked to hang out around you just after I worked out so that my humming heart would annoy you

Alica Mckenna Johnson: lol. You’re such a brat
Logan McKenna: I am, and proud of it. And this brat is going to Circle K to get a Dr. Pepper

So this conversation got me thinking, what are the standards I have for my son? I thought long and hard about this, echoes from my feminist upbringing urging me to use words like sensitive, understanding, able to cook. And all of that is great but really I want my son to be able to do handstand push-ups on a bed of nails. Recycle glass bottles and fabric when he makes his Molotov cocktails, and dance to ‘Party Rockin’ while picking out the drug lord he needs to take out.

Logan in a most cunning hat.

Yes I want my son to be an action movie hero, with enough kung-fu movie hero to make him extremely lethal, and a dash of Joss Whedon hero because then he would have witty one liners and could cook.

Someday instead of Chuck Norris sayings there could be saying about Logan.

When Logan goes to save a puppy, angels cry at his compassion.

When Logan goes home, he travels over buildings because gods don’t walk upon the street.

When Logan gets diamonds for his mum, he makes them by hand.

So what movies have inspired your parenting skills?