Tag Archives: dieting

A habit to change or accepting it’s who I am?

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We all have things we would like to change about ourselves. If you’re anything like me you have a long list stained with tears of frustration and chocolate finger prints. But how do you tell the difference between a bad habit that you need to change and accepting this is simply part of who you are?

Let me give you an example.

When I am doing something new and scary I hide. Not like curled in the closet under blankets, but I don’t go out, I don’t answer the phone, and I spend as much time reading as possible. I have done this for as long as I can remember.

You can’t see me.

It’s not simply things like trying a new recipe that will send me into hiding, but something big. Putting myself out into the world. A new job. Anything that makes me feel vulnerable, I hide. And as all good hiders know, you need good snacks when you hide; sticking, of course, to the four food groups: salty, crunchy, gooey, and sweet.

Is this something I should force myself out of, or accept? So far the mental berating of getting off my ass and acting like a grown up hasn’t helped much.

I’m not completely dysfunctional. I will go to the gym with my friend. I go to work. And I will still write (sometimes), and, yes, reading is important for a writer. Enough happens that I can put a good spin on the whole event. The few times I have accepted this is part of who I am, the faster I went through the cycle. So I’m thinking this is something to accept about myself, and the next time I know I’m going to feel vulnerable and therefore go into hiding I will prepare, by getting snacks in the necessary food groups that won’t add inches to my waist. Gooey is the hardest to find.

What about you? Do you have a part of yourself that could use some acceptance instead of treating it like it’s a bad habit to be banished?

And for music today I Gaitana from Ukraine

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Week three of the crazy cleanse.

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I am sorry my posts have been so hit and miss, as you can see crazy invaded my life and I was not prepared. Hopefully it will all be settled soon. On with the fun!

Day 15- This is you’re warning, I have started my moon (period), so this week will be full of whining bitching and probably TMI.

I’m feeling okay, actually I’m kind of proud I’m not craving anything bad for me. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ve done enough cleansing that I won’t have a rough time.

Day 16- My body hurts, my mind is a dark place, and I am sure everyone is just trying to piss me off. I’m pretty sure I could kill people right now and not feel bad a bout it at all. Normally I would eat from the four major food groups- gooey, crunchy, salty, and sweet and take Midol. However I’m concerned about taking medication while only eating fruits and an apple just isn’t the same as a pile of egg rolls.

I’m sure this cleanse thing is completely stupid and have to restrain myself from eating other foods.

Day 17- Apparently telling your personal training you’re in a ‘fucking bitchy mood’ is code for work me so hard I’m shaking on the floor, can’t breath any more, and start praying for death.

After working out I read smut and had a protein shake, then nap. I woke up feeling human. Unfortunately that only lasted until someone spoke to me, then I was pissed again.

Is this me on my period? Is this how I would feel every month without holy and blessed combination of Midol, ice cream, and nachos?

I really want a sandwich made from sourdough bread, nutella, and potato chips.

I managed to get the kids through their day and even read a bedtime story and no one burst into tears- but I was close several times.

I dreamt of a triple layer grilled cheese sandwich, it was crispy and one of the many cheeses melting down the side was brie.

Day 18- I woke up feeling human today! I smiled and got out of bed not nearly as sore as I expected to be. Got the kids ready, and didn’t want to stab anyone 🙂

Today I went with a friend to Phoenix and spent tons of money at LUSH. I haven’t indulged like this is forever. It felt great, I didn’t even feel guilty for spending that much money, of course what I got will last me a long time.

I got a fruit smoothie at the food court, my friend was sweet and got a salad. I was so excited by the LUSH I wasn’t even that bothered by all the food smells.

I had a great day, we got stopped by a cop on the freeway- I wasn’t driving, and went to a tattoo parlor, I didn’t get a new tattoo but I really want one.

Any way I’m glad I’m feeling normal again.

Day 19- I had a protein shake for breakfast because I was sore this morning, delayed reaction I guess.

I had a writers meeting which was fun, except for lunch which was a bit difficult to sit through.

At dinner the kids had pot pies, which smelled really good, I almost took one from the kids.

Hubby came down and asked me if I wanted dinner. I told him about wanting to steal the kids food he just smiled and told me there would be a treat with dinner.

Um hello I’m eating nothing but fruit what Kind of a treat could there be?

OLIVES AND PICKLES!!! Rod added a few olives and pickles to my dinner. They’re salty, sour, and the pickles a bit spicy. OMG they are so good. Nom nom nom.

Day 20 and 21- I am sick, tummy cramping, fever, I don’t even check my email sick. I drink some juice and Rod makes me eat a bit apple sauce. I sleep a lot, waking long enough to watch Torchwood and Sherlock then burrowing back under the covers to hide from the air conditioner- it’s 105 outside.

I am better now 🙂 Don’t worry my body is slowly coming back to normal. Also I have a video for you all to watch as I haven’t posted on Music Monday in two weeks! I think the back up dancers are cute- but I still don’t like white skinny jeans, sorry guys.

Mad ramblings from the second week of a cleanse.

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Another yummy breakfast

Day 8- When they say sleep is important, especially if you are working towards a healthier lifestyle they mean it. This morning it was very difficult to keep to my fruit cleanse. I wanted fast carbs- white flour and sugar like crazy. Got all the kids off to school, then slept. I feel better now, but I’m still groggy and I can feel that my patience isn’t as high as I need it to be for work. I will breath, smile, and remind myself that this is temporary.

I got a new kid tonight, he seems nice, but I never sleep well when I have a new kid in the house. Not looking forward to tomorrow.

Day 9- Doing okay, I’m emotional- which today mean pissy. Got through my morning, and then did personal training at the gym. While suffering Evil’s plots and what I know to be a contest personal trainers hold to see who can get their clients to do the craziest stuff- I had a great book idea. Demons hiding as personal trainers. Evil laughed, just wait I will write it and in my book, Evil will not have hot wild sex with anyone!

Had a protein shake when I got home. I’m getting tired of fruit (imagine that) which means I’m eating less, but I’m still feeling good except for the emotional crap. Read up on voodoo (yes you should be scared), napped, took a bath so I could walk later. My mind was racing with really negative thoughts so I took some Melissa. Is this just because I haven’t slept well or is it part of the cleanse? Are old emotions releasing? Or am I panicking because I am no longer supporting my armor of fat?

Or maybe it’s showing me that not every day is a beautiful synchronistic day. Some days suck, some just are, and some your in the flow.

There’s a Zen story about two monks walking a sheer mountain path to get to their temple. A storm comes in and they can’t see except when the lighting crackles through the air. At which time they move forward as far as they can and wait for the next burst of lightning. The moral is the enlightenment isn’t the sun shining constantly, but burst of clarity that helps us move forward a bit at a time.

I like this, I’m going with the Zen.

Subdued three small children with apples- see fruit it a powerful thing 🙂

Dinner of cucumbers, avocado, and tomatoes. It’s yummier then it looks.

Day 10- Lots of moodiness. Definitely some emotional cleansing going on. I don’t want to eat fruit, so I’m pouting a lot. But physically I still feel really good.

Day 11- Okay I was tested big time. One of my kids lost his mind, while I wasn’t there. I was at a function for my daughter’s school – yes again- when I find out how bad his fit was. Poor things had to be removed from our place. So here I am upset I wasn’t there, feeling guilty one of ‘my kids’ is putting my co-workers and friends through all of this and I surrounded by pizza and cookies.
I didn’t eat any, and tried very hard to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people actions. That if I was working and one of them was off I would take care of it because that’s what we do.

Tala did awesome at the talent show, and I was able to calm down enough to enjoy it. But once I got home to anxiety crept up and I felt nauseous with guilt.

I felt this way until everything was settled at the hospital and my friend was home.
If I hadn’t been cleansing while I waited I would have been eating total crap. And I realized that while I would have felt full, and nauseous and added in more guilt for eating so much and poorly I wouldn’t have felt any better. Medicating with food doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t make me feel any better. I hope I remember this when I am done cleansing.

I don’t make myself food this pretty

Day 12- Today I have learned to tell the difference between a mistake I make and feeling responsible for stuff I have no control over. I did this because I made a mistake, and instead of feeling overwhelmed and out of control I was able to find solutions and work to fix it. When I’m feeling guilty and responsible for something that isn’t my fault, such as hubby getting a flat tire, there are no solutions.

Food wise I had to peel an avocado and take bites of it because I forgot my spoon and knife when we went to the park. I’m pretty sure I looked rather special in that moment.

Day 13- I didn’t eat enough today. Hubby made me a lovely breakfast, but after that he was busy until dinner and I worked all day- as I do on the weekends, and I was pouting because I didn’t want to eat fruit so I wound up with a headache and moody.

Watch out for berry thieves!

Day 14- I got two little boys late last night and didn’t go to bed until midnight. I was up at 5:30am to start getting kids up and about for school. I ate most of my breakfast but my two new ones 4 and 5 decided my fruit looked better then their cereal and kept stealing my berries. They are super cute, so I let it happen.

Worked out today and napped. Not much else. Keeping up with three little kids and two med sized kids takes a lot of energy! However I did feel good on the fruit only 🙂

Mad rambles of the first week of a ‘cleanse’

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Okay so I’m calling what I’m doing a cleanse, because that’s what it is. I am cleansing my body to try and break unhealthy eating habits, and also trying to create new ones. Anyway now to the fun part- my thoughts, such as they were, for the first week of raw fruit and one protein shake per day.

Day 1- I am high on excitement and self-righteousness. I will beat my unhealthy eating habits. I will rise above negative thinking and slay the dieting yo-yo. I am the master of my destiny!

I kicked but during my workout! And while I feel a touch light headed it’s not enough to stop me!

This lasts until I feed the children dinner and damn it- I’m hungry, but I have told too many people about this so my ego comes to the rescue and I sit and smile while they eat. After I eat some dates. Rod (hubby) brings me a plate of tomatoes and avocado. I chew slowly to make it last.

A yummy breakfast Rod made for me.

Day 2- I expected to wake up so hungry I would try and bit someone, but thankfully due to Evil (aka my personal trainer) being in a good mood yesterday I am so sore I can’t even feel my stomach. So my breakfast of fresh fruit is welcome and enough. I’m thinking about making fruit for breakfast a life long thing. I like feeling this light.

I also feel like I look smaller- my upper stomach isn’t pooching out because I stuffed myself full of food.

I worked out, I never felt light headed, but I know I do have muscles because everyone of them hurts! My torture partner feels the same way so it’s Evil’s fault not my diet.

By post workout protein smoothie.

Okay tonight I was tested, not only was there popcorn in the house- yum. One of my work kids threw a big fit- it last about 45min. Normally the stress would have me making nachos, but that was not to be. What did I discover, that while yes I was stressed out I was also able to cope. I took some aspirin for my headache and some Melissa (Lemon Balm) for my stressed and racing brain and was able to fall asleep with no problem.

Day 3- Is the bitchy day- there was a lot of cussing when not around children and a lot of cussing going on in my head when around children. It was difficult to get through dinner, but my ego prevailed- this is why you tell people what you’re doing so your ego can pull you through.

Made it to the end of the day- my energy was good, I didn’t need my nap and Rod made me some amazing guacamole for dinner- I ate it with sliced cucumbers- yum!

Oh and I was able to button a pair of jeans I couldn’t last week- I still couldn’t zip them but I was an inch away from buttoning them week- so major improvement. It’s interesting how much space food takes up. I think I need to add portion control to my list of stuff I’m working on.

Day 4- I started out good. Some friends took me to the movies and I smuggled in grapes. I was worried that the smells of popcorn, nachos, and candy would do me in, but it has been ages since I went to the movies and I got so sucked into it that I didn’t care. The Avengers is amazing!! Joss Whedon is a movie making god!

I get one weekend off a month- this was my weekend. Normally it’s a time of great indulgence, so I had a difficult time settling into my fruit only routine. Dumped a ton of salsa into my guacamole tonight just for a different flavor!

Day 5- Took my family, who were feeling very betrayed, to The Avengers. Rod was a sweetie and didn’t eat the popcorn even though he loves it- daughter (Tala) has a black mark on the record now for happily munching away.

After words we went shopping. By the end I was very tired and felt really overwhelmed by all the people and energy around me.

More guacamole and cucumbers for dinner, then we went out to a fund raiser for my daughters school. There was a buffet filled with all sorts of snacky stuff. Rod filled a plate with strawberries and got a me a water- and he didn’t get anything for himself, he so rocks!

Everything was fine until I got a call about intense drama with my work kids. I became very anxious and had a lot of difficultly calming down. My poor co-workers must have gotten a dozen calls. They were very sweet, and of course they took care of everything as I knew they would. But not being there, not being able to get there easily, and feeling that out of control- that’s why I eat. I wasn’t hungry, but damn I wanted those friggin’ chips and candies!

I made it, I breathed and focused on the facts and tried to keep my writers brain controlled and not letting it run off with a problem that was fully under control into an apocalyptic event. I took Melissa to fall asleep.

Another yummy breakfast

Day 6 – Woke thinking about work kids- called and checked in took more Melissa. Watched Season One of Sherlock- just as awesome as I remember. Went grocery shopping with Rod and picked out some stuff. Came home and watched Ra-One and then took a nap.

Today was difficult, I was very emotional and wasn’t able to numb my emotions in my normal way. I did write in my gratitude journal to try and keep myself focused. This is the biggest habit I’m trying to break. So good practice I got through big emotional issues without major trouble.

Battle!!!

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FYI- this post hasn’t been edited because I’m feeling inspired right now and because this is a raw subject so I’m letting myself be raw and vulnerable. Okay I’m a day late posting and don’t have time to get it edited- but the vulnerable thing sounded good right?

Today is the day I stop ‘trying to lose weight’ and do it. Six years ago I began my battle with my body, trying different things to lose weight. I would say out loud that I wanted to be healthy and feel better. I have a daughter whose self esteem I’m trying to preserve. But it always came down to numbers on the scale and tag of clothes.

Anyway as I’m sure it is for most of you the battle never ends. It’s a yo-yo ride of horror, where you eat well, exercise, say your positive affirmations and lose some weight. Then something happens. You fight with your spouse, stress because of an asshole at work, you get on the scale which hasn’t changed much and you try to console yourself that you have lost inches and gone down a dress size and muscle weighs more then fat, but that number on the fucking scale burns through everything good leaving a gaping wound which can only be filled by fried chocolaty things.

*crickers chirping* okay maybe that last one is just me.

Point being something happens, maybe it’s a good thing like a party. And you eat. You eat yummy greasy things that make you feel heavy, then numb. And the world is a tough place and dealing with emotions when you have so much to get done can be challenging, and numb feels really good right now. So you order some Chinese food and turn on re-runs of Big Bang Theory and become happily numb.

And, of course, you gain all the weight right back.

So for the past six years this has been me. I’d like to think I am smarter then this, that I would have learned some trick, or sucked it the fuck up and just pushed past it, but I didn’t and I actually weight more now then when I started.

So I am calling out a battle cry against the yo-yo of evil. I am going to break through my bad eating habits, and work on the emotional aspect while doing it- see I can learn.

Why now? You might ask, well really it’s a depressing story and involves crying in Target after trying on jeans on my birthday- lets just not go there.

My master plan I shall share with you. I am doing a cleanse for 30days. I have done it before and have my Personal Trainer and a nutritionist (okay my hubby with tons of life experience) helping me out. I will have a protein shake after working out, and the rest of the time eat raw fruit. My goal is to cleanse my body of all the crap I’ve been eating and break my addictions to carbs, salt, fat, sugar, and gooeyness.

I also want to break my cycle of eating until I’m numb and ignoring my emotions. So to do this I will be following the advice I read in an article on Oprah’s site which talked about emotional eating, you can read it here

Bob Greene talks about making a pie chart with eight segments and putting down the eight things that are most important to you. Then you color in the sections you feel are good in your life. The ones you don’t fill in are places you are trying to eat to fill up. Interesting. So, I will also being doing this, and trying to work on the emotional reasons I eat.

Here are my eight-

1-My kids

2- My hubby

3- Work

4- Writing

5- Friends

6- Spirituality/ self reflection/ personal growth

7- Fun

8- Financial Security

I will continue to write in my gratitude journal, and I’m going to focus on adding more joy into my life. Also I’m going to work on accepting that I am an emotionally sensitive person. I cry at commercials. I am dramatic and use my hands a lot when I speak. And this is okay. I’m not broken. I don’t have to change, or suck it up, or fix anything. Yes, there are times and places for things, but I’m an adult and I can wait to freak out, I don’t need to numb myself so I don’t feel it at all. And no matter how intense my emotions I’m strong enough to handle them. They won’t break me.

So, have you managed to defeat the evil yo-yo?

What would your eight things be?

How do you handle your emotions when it isn’t safe to express them right then?