Category Archives: Monday Musings

What Your Personal Trainer is Really Thinking About You

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Alica Mckenna Johnson, Kristen Lamb, 40 yard line

Poor personal trainers, this is what they have to deal with.
Photo by Kristen Lamb

A while back some website did a post on The 10 Things Your Personal Trainer is Thinking About You. I went expecting to find something funny, but no they were serious, BOO!

So as someone who has inflicted themselves on a personal trainer, these are the 10 things I think personal trainers are REALLY thinking about you.

1. Do you realize how see through that garment is? Personal trainers have to watch you exercise, frequently in odd contorted positions, while you’re sweating. Make sure your clothes don’t turn embarrassingly see through.

2. If you can still whine, you are not working hard enough. Really, your time with a personal trainer should feel like hell, so if you can still whine, then you can probably work harder.

3. No, I am not feeding off your pain. I once told my personal trainer that I thought he was a half-demon and fed off my pain. Thankfully, he was also a film maker and thought it was funny. (No stealing this idea—I plan to write a book at some point)

4. No, I’m not delusional. Personal trainers have training, they watch you carefully and pick exercises that push you but that you can do, even when you think you can’t.

5. Why do I have to listen to this? Some clients whine a lot. I was shocked when I found out I was on the low end of the whining scale. Don’t make these poor people listen to you bitch and whine, unless you are actually doing the exercises while you complain.

6. Do I really have to yell at you? This goes back to the whining. Apparently some people actually need, or maybe like, to be yelled at and forced/shamed into doing the exercises.

7. Dear god, the smell. Either you haven’t put on enough deodorant, shame on you, or you have overdone the crappy cheap body spray. Either way personal trainers have to stand near you. Try to not make it completely unpleasant.

8. Don’t lie to me, you go home and eat crap. Your personal trainer can tell if you are sticking to your diet or stopping by the store to stock up on ice cream and chips on the way home from the gym. Don’t insult their intelligence, tell the truth.

docguy, weight loss , ice cream

Photo by docguy

9. Drink water! At the end of every session with my personal trainer he would remind me to drink a lot of water the rest of the day. Now I love water so I listened, but obviously other people don’t. They don’t get paid by the word. If your personal trainer says it, it must be important.

10. Yes, I’m going to win this month. After a year of personal training I discovered a dark secret. Every week a weird, twisted, embarrassing exercise is posted on the personal trainer’s Facebook group and the goal is to see how many innocent clients they can get to do the exercise. My personal trainer denied this, but I think he was lying. Some of those exercises were just too weird.

So what do you think personal trainers are really thinking?

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Ten to Twenty Years

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Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo from Tar Sands Blockade


No I have not FINALLY been caught and sentenced to prison. Rude!

I have recently turned forty and been a bit introspective, thinking about the rest of my life.

And now I’m worried that I might only have ten to twenty years left, if I take after my parents. My mom died sixteen days before her fiftieth birthday and my dad died just before Christmas at sixty- one.

After a moment of panic and realizing exactly how little time that is, I kind of calmed down and thought about what I would really like to do if I really only have that little time left.

I only have three big things on my bucket list, having my books published and sell well (yes I have an image of what that looks like specifically), traveling, and spending time with my family.

Alica Mckenna-Johnson, tropical beach, vacation dreams

From wikicommons I want to be here with my family someday.


Of course I am hoping I have a lot longer than ten to twenty years, but I feel more determined to live and fight for what I want now that this ‘time limit’ is looming over me.

What about you, do you have a bucket list? Have you done any of things on your list already?

Is Man Whore the New Prince Charming?

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Alica Mckenna Johnson

Art by Nemo from Pixabay


I have noticed a new trend that I’m not sure I like, the ‘hero’ of the story being a man whore. Now before we go further I’ll explain that to me the difference between someone sexually active, aggressive, and casual and a ‘man whore or slut’ is respect. Respect for themselves and respect for their partners.

So a while back I was reading the beginnings of several books, which I didn’t bother to finish, and each of them the hero was slutty. I don’t care about abs, tats, and broad shoulders when I’m worried about STIs, seriously yuck! And the heroine is either a virgin or has only had sex with one other person and that was a long-term relationship. This isn’t horrid, but I also noticed these similarities:

1. The hero does whatever he does with a girl draped all over him and groping him. Usually as this is described, the focus is on the girl, and the hero almost disappears from the text. “She sucked on his ear and ground herself into him.” Notice that he doesn’t move or respond at all? Weird.

2. The heroine refers to the busty blond (jealous much fellow authors) wrapped around the hero as a slut, whore, cheap, easy, skank. Ummm, now I don’t like your heroine. I feel bad for people with such low self-esteem that they treat themselves with such little respect, but calling them a dirty skank, just no.

3. There is a TON of drinking, like eight shots in a night. This might be personal to me, but I can’t relate or connect to this kind of behavior.

Alica Mckenna-Johnson, shots

Photo by Darinka Maji on Flicker


4. The goody-goody heroine is ‘forced’ by her wild best friend into drinking, wearing a tight sexy outfit she feels uncomfortable in but that the ‘skank’ from earlier would have worn, and going into the bar in the first place.

5. The hero is willing to give up his bacchanalian life for her, to be with her, because no other woman has made him feel like this. Really? You’ve shagged hundreds of ‘bar bunnies,’ and this one woman will change all of that with the touch of her hand?

6. CONDOMS!!! Hello, not only should you be mentioning and having your characters use condoms BUT I’m not touching someone like that until he’s had a Silkwood shower and been tested by a doctor!

Alica Mckenna-Johnson, condoms

Photo by lookcatalog

Now so we are clear, I’m not a prude, I’ve had my fun and wild days. But slamming other woman because you’re jealous and want to be draped all over the guy they’re wrapped around, total lack of respect for self and partners, not talking about safe sex, and the heroine being ‘forced’ into things by her best friend, just makes me want to hurl. I can’t connect with the characters, I don’t like them, I don’t find them interesting, and I wouldn’t want to be them.

So what do you think? Have you run into the man whore as the prince charming yet? Is it just me? I mean, I can’t like all tropes, but do you love the man whore in place of prince charming?

You Sleep in Your What???

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bras, Alica Mckenna Johnson

Photo by This Particular Greg

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties and working with teens at the group home that I found out some girls/women sleep in their bras.

Uuuumm, why they hell would you do that?

The girls told me it was so they’re breasts wouldn’t sag when they were older.

But bras are uncomfortable. I always assumed that as soon as a woman got home they all changed into comfy clothes and took off their bras. It’s what my mom always did.

But to sleep in a bra to try and keep my boobs from sagging, I don’t think it’s worth it, or honestly would work.
It makes me think of the pictures of women who would wrap their chins and necks in bandages while they slept to prevent the skin from sagging. I doubt that worked either.

These don’t look comfy for sleeping in.


Then I began to wonder (yes, you should be scared) do men wear jock straps to bed to keep their balls from sagging? And how much sag does a man gain over the years of gravity constantly tugging on his delicate bits?

So what about you. Do you wear a bra, or jock strap, or bandages to bed in hopes of defying gravity?

Feral Kitten Wi-Fi

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feral kitten, Alica Mckenna-Johnson CocteauBoy, Kitten

Photo by CocteauBoy

Sometimes my Wi-Fi acts like a feral kitten. You know the mangy, flea-bitten, hissing little thing hiding under your porch, and it’s just so  SAAADD and CUUUTE, and we must save the nasty little thing.

So there you are on your hands an knees, making that stupid tongue-clicky noise that all humans make at animals. It reminds me of the old Westerns where the white guy would hold up his hand and say “How” to the noble savage. This empowering sound would stave off their attack. So this is what we are doing, making the universal human-to-animal tongue-clicky noise, and we think we are letting them know everything is fine and that we are its friend.

But the kitten, arches her mangy kitten eyebrow at me, with a look of disdain. The question  “Are you a total idiot?” psychically  floats through the air. The same thing I think as I see the white cowboy halt the attack of a group of white men painted to look like Native American people in the old westerns.

Alica Mckenna-Johnson, Old West. Old Western Movies

Photo by inkknife_2000

But of course I have no  other skills, so I’m on my hands and knees clicking and cooing, and trying to get this kitten out from under the porch. I promise love, and affection, and nummy things to eat. And the kitten comes a little closer, then puffs up (which is just so darn cute) and scoots back. And we do this for a while. Finally I decide to appeal to its baser nature, and I get some damn food. I leave small pieces of cheese on the ground (I’m a vegetarian, it’s all I have a kitten would like. Stop judging me!) and slowly coax the kitten out. And this is when I learn the kitten will do anything for food; basically it’s a prostitute. I have lured a mangy, flea-bitten feral prostitute kitten out from under the porch.

Go Me!

And this is exactly how my Wi-Fi is. I have to sit in just the right position and for a few moments I can get Wi-Fi, if I don’t sneeze.

But like my little whore kitten, if I try to load Amazon or any other site that has money, it loads just fine. I could sit in a steel-lined bomb shelter a mile away, and I bet Amazon would load!

Does this make my computer a pimp?

Alica Mckenna-Jonson, Pimp, pimp costume

Photo by Sparr0

When Showering makes Your To Do List.

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Alica Mckenna Johnson, showering, busy moms, to-do lists

Photo by CarlosPacheco

Mom*/author hybrids are the only combo group of people I know who feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when we manage to take a shower. We’ll even post it on Facebook.

*Note I haven’t added dads because they don’t post their showers on Facebook. I suspect they either don’t care or hose off in the garden when they’re ‘bathing’ the children.

I just showered, put on clean yoga pants, and remembered my deodorant! Woo-hoo. Now it’s time for bed.

I think it is important to note that showering is just body only. Washing hair is another mark on the to do list, and shaving gets its own special ticky box, and announcement.

I won’t say how long it has been, because you might call the health department, but today I showered, washed my hair, and shaved! I know it’s two in the morning but I’m thinking of waking hubby up so he can appreciate my looking like a regular human being.

Do you add showering to your to do list? If you have a different job/life and find showering a luxury that doesn’t happen every day, or week, let me know. We need to stick together.

Brainwashing, it’s not just for cults anymore

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docguy, weight loss , ice cream

Photo by docguy

I am always my own worst enemy. The thoughts that run rampant in my head can take a turn for the worst, and when this happens my life crashes. Of course, I have big batches of time where I am sane-ish, when I get things done, take care of myself, and feel good. But when things tip, when I lose my balance, these thought come rushing in, and suddenly not writing and sleeping all day sounds great. Instead of eating an apple, I eat ice cream, and getting enough sleep? yeah, that’s one big joke.

So how does one stop crazy thoughts?

I could read books. There are plenty of spiritual/ self-help books that focus on being in the here and now, that offer meditations to let those negative thoughts go. But really I don’t have the time, and I would only do it when I’m doing well.

So I have opted for an easier way, a more passive way, and I’m doing it right now. Subliminal messages. Oh, yes. I am employing the ancient art of brainwashing on myself. I am using a series of tapes, some that are subliminal, some guided imagery, some sleep programming.

If I can’t find will power within myself, then I shall brainwash myself into it!

Right now I am doing tapes that focus on health, healthy eating, and weight loss. But they also have ones on creativity, getting more done, overcoming fears, and tons of other topics.

I have had enough of my brain getting in the way of self-discipline, leaving me the moment things get tough. Maybe these won’t work. Maybe they will. The other day I was planning on eating nachos for lunch. I started to grab the stuff and suddenly did not want them anymore. I had fruit instead and an hour later when I was actually hungry, I made a sandwich.

apocalypse, mango, magoes,

Photo by Tatters:)

I figure as long as the messages aren’t turning me into part of some mad woman’s secret assassin army, it’s all good.

Do you have self-discipline? Are you able to keep the negative self-talk to a minimum, or do you also try to drown the voices in egg rolls and cheese cake?

20 days of freaking out

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docguy, weight loss , ice cream

Photo by docguy

Sane is not a word most people would use to describe me, which is why twenty days before I am going on the annual work trip to San Diego I am trying desperately to lose weight. Yes, ye, I said annual trip. And yes, after seeing pictures of me last year on the beach, I wanted to throw-up and cry. I vowed to never go back to the beach looking like that. I VOWED! And then I ate ice cream.

So here I am twenty days before we leave and at least sixty pounds overweight. Can a person lose three pounds a day??

Seriously I’m counting calories, getting my butt into odd yoga position, and doing cardio until vomiting seems like a fun idea (well I’ve been doing it for two days now). Point being, why do I do this? Why didn’t I watch my calories intake over the past year? Seriously, I knew this was coming. Why didn’t I exercise more? I have tons of videos for those days when my gym buddy can’t go; there was no reason why my lazy ass couldn’t have done something, anything, other than partake of second breakfast and sit on my ass.

Do you do this to yourself? Are you a last minute panic person or do you take your time and get a bit done every day so it’s easy?

Where will You Go?

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Cole Vassiliou, native hut,  apocaplyse

Photo by Cole Vassiliou

There are a few of us who live far enough away for others that our current homes will be a safe choice for the End Times. However most of us need to get the heck out of where ever we live to a safe place. Cities will be overrun with mobs, dead bodies, and backed up sewers. Places with water pumped in, like where I live in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, have only a few days of water before people start dropping like flies.

So where will you go?

Sure you want to look at water tables, chemical and nuclear facilities, and weather. But, come on, what’s really important is what kind of food can you grow there?

Who knows how many years it could take before trade starts up again, so what can’t you live without?

If you love seafood you’ll need to be near the ocean. What kind? If it’s lobster, up north you go. Shrimp, you need to head south.

sea food, lobsters, apocalypse

Photo by cellar_door_films

Blueberries, raspberries, and blackberries all need cold dormant time. So do all stone fruits such as peaches. This means snowy areas. However if you want oranges and avocados you need heat.

apples, apple trees, apocalypse

Photo by L E Carmichael

Oh, yes, you are going to have to choose. And if chocolate is what you can’t live without., then you best start finding a way to travel down to South America.

So, where will you go? What foods will you be willing to give up and what can’t you imagine your life without?

Who Is On Your Team?

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Lynn Kelley, Zombie Apocalypse, Apocalypse

Photo by Lynn Kelley Author

The Apocalypse is here! Yes, grab your guns and lets start killing . . . um I mean grab your survival gear and let’s work together so the human race doesn’t go extinct.

So today’s questions is : Who Is On Your Team?

Team 1: I am an Army of One! I have my bags packed and ready in my closet, guns oiled and fully loaded, and several caches of supplies and ammo in various secret locations. My goal is to survive and have fun doing it. I have behaved well long enough. When this shit goes down, I am grabbing my list and killing me some morons, and the guy who cut my off in traffic yesterday! Waving a white flag won’t save you from my wrath (please say with a British accent it sounds cooler) however waving chocolate might buy you an hour’s head start.

Team 2: It’s all about survival, people. I have chosen a group of survival and weapons experts. We will dominate and secure our ideal area. Once that has happened will begin to allow civilians inside the compound. People will need to prove their worth, and we are taking applications so leave your name and skill set in the comments, those deemed worthy will be contacted by our head of HR and light weapons expert, Peggy.

Team 3 My team has been more carefully chosen then the disciples of Christ. Survival is black and white, you do or you die. I have put together the best survival experts, weapons experts, and communications experts (together they speak 10 languages including sign, know Morse code, smoke signals, and light signaling). This well-trained group will insure the survival and continued protection of the group of experts who will insure our continued survival.

blacksmith, zombie apocalypse

Photo by macswriter

Those skilled in traditional arts: blacksmiths, natural farmers, master carpenters, weavers, knitters, cobblers, tanners, canners, dyers, water and solar engineers, millers, butchers, bakers, and candle stick makers.

We also have a veterinarian, dentist, doctor, herbalist, and midwife. They all have experience working in third-world countries, with their spouses and children, who we have to bring along to insure our experts would come.
Everyone is training physically and mentally each week and gathering tools, supplies, and personal items for when the Event happens. While we aren’t taking applications at this time if you have a skill not mentioned about please put it in the comments and our surveillance team will do a thorough check on you before kidnapping you for the initial interview.

Team 4: I am going to wait out the crazy. I have enough food and supplies for four people to survive for ten years in the bunker under my house. I am taking applications for sex slaves, friends to hang out with. Ideal skills include: massage, cooking, gaming talent, and flexibility—both mental and physical. No druggies, must be able to pass physical health screening, must love Spam.

Team 5: I have always known I am Royalty, and now is my time to be one. I have carefully stored items that will be valuable and impossible to get within a year or two after the Event. Those on my team are my masseuse, chief, manicurist, and hairstylist. I have a place stocked and ready to go. Once this violence is settled, I will emerge in all my glory and ready to trade the items I have wisely stored. Just think how much food I can get for a package of condoms and some flavored lube. I am still in need of a security team, please comment below with your qualifications and willingness to wear a kilt.

kilt, zombie apocalypse

Photo by Noodles and Beef

Team 6: I hate people,. I am fully stocked and ready to survive alone for ten or more years. My place is so isolated and remote that few will ever find me and those who do will be taken care of by my booby traps and pack of wolves. Don’t bother leaving comments, I need no one. I have solar cells hooked up and have downloaded from Amazon every book, movie, and show. The thought of being alone for years makes my heart flutter.

Team 7: I live in a third-world country. My life won’t change much, except there won’t be annoying tourists popping up.

So which team are you a part of? Or do you need to start one? Have I forgotten an option? If so please let me know how you plan to survive the Apocalypse.