Monthly Archives: October 2014

She’s smooth as Chunky Peanut Butter

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My daughter is smooth.

My daughter is smooth.

So last night I am sitting on my couch talking to my DD when she puts her hand over my eyes. “Shush” she says as I hear the rustling of the money on the table.

She removes her hand and had stuffed the bills in her bra. Grinning she says, “I’m smooth as chunky peanut butter. Oops missed one.”

She grabs the last dollar and stands up grinning at me whispers, “Smooth.”

She walks to the door, goes all ‘Aunt Brandy’ (flips me off playfully—it’s a thing at my house) then runs off cackling.

Why do I keep these people around?

Irrational Fears, Dating

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Since I am a writer, my brain is a special place. And I frequently have random weird thoughts pop into my head which turn into random weird scenarios and then into random weird fears.

One such weird fear is, what if I had to date again???

I am currently married and if I haven’t scared him off by now,—it’s been sixteen years (Holy shit really?)—then he’s probably not going anywhere. Kind of like life in prison, sure there are bars, but now you’re used to it, and it’s home.

Anyway I saw one of those online matching people services and wondered who would pick me if I put up a profile. Which got me to wonder about dating. Which quickly turned into fear as my entire dating experience is from high school.

I won’t talk about it, but I almost died of embarrassment just thinking about how I acted back then. In theory I would behave differently now, but what if I didn’t? What if I reverted back to sixteen every time I met a guy I liked? What if I used the same classy, sexy, seductive moves to let them know I wanted to be kissed?

TMI, but I just threw up a little in my mouth at the thought.

I am sure there are books, counselors, aversion therapists that could help me out IF hubby ever broke free of the chains. I DO keep them padded for his comfort. And seriously we have two kids, shouldn’t I be more worried about them, or money, or something real then if I’ll act like a clueless sixteen year old if I go on a date?

But such is the brain of writers. We create worlds, people, monsters, and fantasy. Unfortunately our own life is often at risk of such nefarious godlike plotting.

What are your irrational fears? Come on you have to have something better than spiders.

Do Your Kids Omegle? Because they’re seeing dick if they do.

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My daughter is not impressed.

My daughter is not impressed.


Me How was the party last night?

DD It was awesome. We went on Omegle and there were some cool people we chatted with and then we got this old guy showing up his dick, and we screamed, and I think R was damaged cause she’s actually nice and innocent. Anyway we found a pic of a better dick and sent it to him.

Me Excuse me what???

So Omegle is a social media site that hooks you up with strangers. You don’t create a profile, put in your email, or name, you do have to say you’re over the age of 18, SURPRISE kids are using it.

So you get on and agree to behave then wait and suddenly there is a stranger there before you ready to talk, or show you his dick. Now you can add your interests when you get on, meeting someone, anime, knitting, dick, whatever and the site will connect you to people who have also put those things as interests, so you can narrow things down.
DD tells me she mostly uses it to connect with people who like Homestuck and apparently people will cos-play and act out scenarios with other cos-players if they’re online.

Anyway, back to the dick. My DD isn’t concerned or offended by this, she hits stop and they go away. Okay, she now says, “Wow, that looks like a dick only smaller.” Then goes away.

The other night she and her brother were on Omegle and set up the lights and such so when they got someone a red light would surround DD and they would invite the person to join in their satanic ritual. Yes, Omegle is a great place for practical jokes. Most people laughed, some just left, and one guy jumped up grabbed a goat skull and said he was ready.

Not sure what to do about DD, if anything, but I wanted to let the rest of you know what Omegle is and what can be going on there. And while the people you connect with can’t find out who you are from the site itself, you are able to give the stranger you’re chatting to any information you want.

So here is a fun video of an Omegle prank.

In my head I can dance.

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Well it’s not that I can’t dance, I can a little and I used to take belly dance classes. While I wasn’t amazing I didn’t suck. Even still it’s not a skill I’ve kept up. And yet in my head this is how I look when I dance.

Who can you dance like when you’re alone and no one can see you?

Kill all the germs!!

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Photo by P33TR on wikicommons

Photo by P33TR on wikicommons


So today I held the hand of one of the elementary school kids as we walked home, a mistake I shall not repeat. Thirty minutes later the houseparent comes and asks me to look at his eye.

Oh yes, he has pink eye.

OMG I TOUCHED PINK EYE GERMS.

I am calm in front the child. Once they leave I grab the Lysol and spray EVERYTHING I can remember touching and a lot I don’t. I spray light switches, door handles, my call phone, the computer, and my keys. Then I use hand sanitizer and give huge snotty globs of it to all the kids to rub over their hands and arms, maybe their faces if they have some left over.

My eyes itch like crazy, probably a combination of hypochondria, the chemicals filling the air, and the most evil pink eye virus which will obviously EAT MY EYES!!!

So any pink eye advice? Not that I’ll need it, cause soon my eye balls will be gone, leaving behind nothing but gooey holes in my head.

Trust

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I don’t trust a lot of people, or well, I don’t trust them with my safety or the safety of my children.

It’s not so much that I distrust them but that I trust they will be selfish, or self-absorbed, or just not caring much. That sounds really bad doesn’t it? Sorry, but I trust people’s actions not their words. I trust their deeds not their intentions.

Watching this video made me think of the few people I trust and know I can count on. The ones I support as much as they support me.

But it also made me think about how fearful I am. About how untrusting I am of people, of myself, of my strength, my ability to handle things. Because that’s what it comes down to isn’t it, not our fear that someone will hurt or betray us but that we won’t be able to handle what they do, that we won’t survive or recover.

So maybe if I could learn to trust myself, to trust my strength, intelligence, creativity, and value then I could be more trusting of others, of life, of opportunities, of adventures.

Are you a trusting person or do you hold yourself back too?

Pick a Bio

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Okay, everyone, I need some help picking a bio. Feel free to tweak them as I am open to all help.

“Wait,” you cry, “there is no mention of shirtless men in kilts chained to your bed! Alica has been replaced by a pod person! Get your flamethrowers and let’s go save her!”

STOP. While I am thankful for your concern and willingness to burn aliens for me, the first series of books I am putting out is YA.

Yes, I can write ‘clean-ish’ enough for YA. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, in book three there is a guy in a kilt. 
I choose to write a YA series because I spend so much of my time writing that I wanted something my kids could also read. Of course I decided this five years ago foolishly thinking I would have my book ready in a year. Wow, was I ever that naive?

Anyway, I still need your help to pick a fun bio that won’t scare YA readers too badly.

Bio 1
Alica spent the first thirty years of her life walking around with stories constantly running through her head. She never thought of herself as a writer due to her poor spelling and grammar. When the story would stop she wrote it down. Then one day—like a savior in a shining breastplate—a woman with vision, excellent taste, and mad editing skills swooped into Alica’s life and slayed her mistakes, allowing all to read the fantastic stories running through her mind.

In the mundane world Alica is houseparent to an ever-changing collection kids, ranging from 2-12 depending on the time of day. Wife of one amazing husband who helps plot, works out fight scenes, cooks, and always has a stash of chocolate ready. She also startles easily because no matter what she’s doing Alica is always plotting her next great novel.

Bio 2
Being told she was a horrible speller and would never learn to use a comma correctly, Alica never thought to write down the stories she constantly had running through her head. Doesn’t everyone daydream about flying on a spaceship while walking to school?

Not until she was thirty did Alica dare to write down any of the people living exciting lives in her head. The relief was instantaneous. By giving them life on the page they could be released from her mind and given greater adventures.

As her books grew in size and the voices in her head learned to wait their turn, Alica found a loyal group to journey with. Women who would help her slay her commas, and use their magical gifts to traverse plot holes, transform words into their proper spelling, and release characters from any Mary Sue spells they might be under.
In-between magical adventures, Alica is mom to two personal kids, five foster kids, has one exceptional hubby, a bunny she knows is plotting her death, and some fish, aka her daughter’s minions.