So, Who Are You Supposed To Have Sex With?


I was part of a discussion on Facebook the other day about whether as a parent, you would buy contraceptives for your teens. I had to leave because some one said “No, because I believe in no sex before marriage, at least for girls—boys are another thing.”

UM WTF??? Not the no sex before marriage—while it is not part of my belief system, I understand that it is important to a lot of people—but why it is only important for girls. If sex is a sacred/spiritual act and purity of body is important to start a marriage, why are only women expected to show that level of commitment to their future husbands and marriages?

“Because girls can get pregnant.”

I’ve heard this answer before and I call bullshit. Yes, girls can get pregnant. If they try hard, they can get pregnant, have a baby, and get pregnant again in one year.

A boy on the other hand could get more than 300 women pregnant in one year. Yes it would be unlikely, but he could, which makes the consequences of boys having sex outside of marriage, especially unprotected sex, greater than the consequences of girls having sex before marriage.

So, if girls are supposed to remain chaste, who are these boys fucking? No, really. The girls who are good enough to become their wives and mothers of their children have to say no to sex, even though girls have the same desire for sex that boys do. So who does that leave?

Girl they don’t respect. These boy can have sex with the ‘bad girls’, the ‘sluts’, the ‘easy girls’. And is that really okay with you? If your religion/culture/spirituality says that sex is sacred, are you really okay with your boys having sex with women they don’t respect/love/treat well? Because these are the girls they don’t bring home. Don’t admit to dating. And won’t talk to in public. And to me this is sickening.

Married women. Should these teen boys who are being given permission to act like the easy, dirty, sluts we shun in girls, should they be having sex with married women instead of the teens girls who are supposed to be saying no? At least those women ‘saved themselves’ for their husbands, so the important bit is out of the way. It should be fine if they take younger lovers right?

Widowed/single women. Maybe these teen boys should be finding elderly widowed or single women to sow their wild oats with. These women can’t get pregnant, won’t have their hearts broken, and are lonely. Maybe this is the solution to this pathetically double-standard problem.

No wait, I’ve got it.

These boys should be having sex with EACH OTHER! It’s the perfect solution. The teen girls can stay pure and chaste, the married women won’t commit adultery, and the widows/singles, well they kind of lose out, but, hey, it was a squicky solution. The boys can’t get each other pregnant and they won’t be ‘ruining’ anyone for their wedding day because it’s okay if boys come into the marriage bed as dirty sluts. A win-win solution for everyone.

Huuummm I have the feeling not everyone likes that choice, so I have one final offer:

Professionals. Teen boys could get jobs so they have enough money to have sex with professional sex workers. This way, once again the teen girls can remain virgins, and the teen boys can live out the double standard to the fullest without it negatively effecting anyone else.

Have I missed any options? Who do you think these boys should be having sex with if the girls their age must remain virgins?

15 responses »

  1. I love fiery posts. Hmm. If we’re talking about Judea-Christian values then men are equally on the hook for the sex-before-marriage sin thing. sadly our culture no longer values the type of man who had the strength of character and discipline to play within those rules (of course men and women have always broken rules but the rules were seen as a way of protecting children and society and for the majority of people it seemed to work). Studies show that those who wait for marriage have happier and more successful marriages. So many girls and women I know bought into the idea that free love was something like equality, but ended up feeling used.

    I think the woman in your discussion group was being silly, but the notion that most girls can emotionally handle the Sex in the City lifestyle is equally silly. I think boys still in the end don’t want to be with a slut. Double standard for sure–but then we as a society no longer want any standards. We coddle our boys and give them trophies for just getting up in the morning.We’re opposed to all judgment. I feel sorry for boys and girls because everything is taken so lightly that nothing is special to them.

    • Glad you like fiery, I always worry a bit when I get on my soap box!

      I agree, we need to hold both our boys and girls up to the same standards and make them actually earn things in life, grades, medals, ribbons, etc. There is a great book called “How to Raise Self-Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent world” So glad I read it when my son was little so I could raise my kids to be an functional adult and not a whiny worthless punk.

      I wish people could be more honest about sex with each other, and their children. I would like for people to be able to be honest with their partners about their needs, no matter if they are having casual sex, in a monogamous relationship, or choosing to wait until marraige.

  2. If you’re a boy, you can have sex with anyone. If you’re a girl, you’re supposed to wait until you graduate from college and have a good job. I’m guessing there must be a cadre of girls somewhere who are servicing all the boys in a given area, since the ‘good’ girls don’t do it standard must be upheld. Too bad, because studies show that when both partners have some sexual experience and know what their needs are, marriages tend to be stronger. Finding out after you are married that you have a strong sex drive, and your partner thinks sex more than twice a month is perverted is a recipe for trouble. In civilized countries, the parents work things out and marry off the kids to compatible partners very early in life. Since the kids aren’t working out some fantasy about true love that lasts forever with the one person who is going to meet all their needs for the rest of their lives, they go into relationships with low expectations. Seems to work for them.

    • I just wish we would all be more honest about sex when in relationships, or one night stands, or talking to our kids. We all have sexual drives and there are consequences to having sex, communication is the key IMHO

  3. I’m a firm believer in wait until graduation (high school). After that, to each their own. However, children need to be educated, because they may not wait. “Don’t” is not practical or realistic advice. The important thing is to focus on education, (whether a boy or girl). The longer you wait (hopefully) the more mature you will be and the less likely you will get pregnant, STD’s, or stuck in a bad relationship. Sex is a personal decision, often a stupid one, but it’s not for society to create one acceptable format for.

    • My mom told me she hoped I would wait until I was 18 because she didn’t think anyone was ready for sex and the consequences, but she also wanted me to be safe and I was taught about sex safe I knew she would help me get birth control when I needed it. I have raised my kids the same 🙂

  4. You make a really great point. But not all Christians think that way, thank God, I being one of them..and the Bible does not say only girls have to save themselves for marriage its all people. It saddens me that a so called christian made such an ignorant and misleading statement. You made an excellent point and I think all parents need to read this.

  5. Agh! That woman’s statement. Sadly, it reflects some common, super harmful myths. Timely post, as I interviewed a woman on sex-positive parenting on my show today. 🙂 It’ll appear on my blog soon as well. Thanks for speaking up about it, Alica!

  6. Terrific post however , I was wanting to know if you could write a litte
    more on this subject? I’d be very grateful if you could
    elaborate a little bit further. Thanks!

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